My way back

*This post is a continuation of my previous blog ‘That night’. I know it’s a little lengthy but I hope you’ll find it interesting.*

“I will never take vodka again” I vowed myself.
My head was blurting, I was still coming out of that bizarre dream.
Still making sense out of it, still trying to correlate it with my life.
Dreams are reflection of reality, some wise man once said. I couldn’t have agreed more.
“Where have I kept Disprin” I yelled at myself.
“Whatever happens, I will tell Kunal that I was not well, so couldn’t attend the onsite call.”
I took the pill and went for a bath.

“Gosh, I hate this mirror!!” I bawled looking at the flab around my tummy.
Imperfections would be there… learn to live with them… the words reverberated in my mind.

I took out the new Levi’s that I bought a week back. It was Friday.
Those blue jeans reminded me that I am thinking too much about blues in my life.
“Yeah, Fridays are good!” I said while ripping the label.

Weekend is coming; they are such a problem here in Bhubaneswar. Nothing to do, nowhere to go. And the heat put cherry on the cake.

I left my place. I took my iPod along. Alanis was signing “Hand in My Pocket”, as if telling me that there are enough reasons to be alive and kicking.
After so long, I was feeling good about myself.
“What a balmy day!!” the perfume never smelled so good, sun never looked so bright, grass never looked so green and girls never looked so gorgeous.
I wondered what has changed, as everything was the same.
I realised that I was incarcerated in my own prison, a prison created in my own mind, by my own mind. I was trying to be at a time and place with someone else’s soul and someone else’s face. A place where everything is perfect, instead I should be striving to find good that I have right here, right now, that too being myself.

For the first time, in about million years, my cubical was not giving me that plunging feeling.

As I was settling down, Kunal showed up. He checked his pocket. I thought he will take out the gun and shoot me. I could imagine my ML yelling, ‘shoot on the head… make sure it’s good’.
Before I can go any forward with those weird thoughts, I started timidly “Hey, listen I am sorry about the onsite call…“
“It got cancelled.” He interrupted.
I couldn’t help that big smile.
“I want to talk about the bug fix you did a fortnight back.” He never likes me smiling.
“Your code failed in production. The client has gone bananas. What were you doing? This wasn’t expected from you”
“Kunal, I was trying to fix it till 2 at night. I tried my best…”
He interrupted me again, “That was useless; your best wasn’t good enough. You were chasing a wild goose…”
I was agitated, “Atleast I tried. I think you should appreciate that. There are so many dependencies for that code. May be it has failed because of them only. See, I work hard but I don’t work wonders”. I said assertively.
He murmured something and took off, may be surprised to see my audacity.

“That was cool!!” I gave a pat on my back.

It was noon and my head was still hurting. I decided to go for a cappuccino.
As I came down the stairs, I saw Shweta coming.
“Oh god!! There she is. Will she see me? Will she smile at me? Will she say ‘Hi!!’?”
The answer was a thumping NO.
I gave her a passing smile and said ‘Hi’ but she passed off as if I was playing the lead role in the movie ‘Hollow man’.

I wonder why she hates me so much or probably I am not even that important that she would hate me. Such negative vibes just because I told her that I like her.
When would some girls understand and appreciate someone else’s feelings.
“Man that sucks!! Why does she always have to piss me off? I care for her god dammit!! How many people in this freaking world do that? She shouldn’t ignore me like this. There is no reason. I would not do that if I was in her shoes.” I consoled myself.
“And I am gonna sue these ‘Axe’ ppl. It never works”.

I started feeling sick but quickly changed my thoughts, as I have somehow realised that it isn’t what you have, or who you are, or where you are or what you are doing, that makes you happy or unhappy. It’s what you choose to think about.

I asked the guy to make the coffee stronger than usual. Sipped it for a while thinking abt what I dreamt last night.

While coming back I saw Shweta again. My nerves bloated again.
I managed to smile this time too, “Hi!!” I said loudly.
She shrugged me off yet again.
Enough!!!!!!!!
“Hey you!!” this time she stopped and turned around.
She saw my firm face.
“What the hell you think of yourself? What are you ignoring me like that? You make me sick you know that. But, as I speak, I am taking away this right from you. You can’t bring me down, not anymore. Have a nice day!!” I burst out on her and then left.
She stood there dumbstruck as if she heard French from my mouth and the only thing she knows about France is that it’s not near Bhubaneswar.

“What was that and where does it come from?” I asked myself. I was smiling wondering what I just said. It was an I-cant-believe-I-said-that smile.
“’I take the right’, what was this crap??” I questioned myself
On second thought, I guess it was right. I have allowed some people and some situations to trouble me. I have given them that much importance.

Days rolled on. I tried to take each day at a time and tried to change for the better.

One fine day, I felt like having beer. I decided to go for the new, Sport’s bar opened up near Marrion. The very idea of a Sport’s bar in Bhubaneswar excited me. So I took out my bike and left. I was there in no time.
“That’s the best thing about this city. No place is more than 15-20 mins drive.”

The ambience was good. People were enjoying themselves… Chelsea was leading.

I ordered a Kingfisher premium. Right then, someone enquired from behind.
“You must be Dhruv?”
“Yes, do I know you?”
“No, but he told me about you”.
“Pardon me, but who is ‘He’ here?” I don’t like ppl circling me around when they talk.
He smiled, “’He’ is the person you had a li’l rendezvous with. ‘He’ is God. And I am the same person whom he was supposed to meet next.”

My lips joined each other only after he pointed that my mouth was open.
“W... wh… what? I thought that was a dream” my heart was pumping as if there was no tomorrow.
“I guess you were wrong then”
“But how did you recognize me” I asked curiously.
“Well, he told me that you are a confused looking guy who thinks himself to be Tom Cruise” he giggled.
“Tom Cruise!!... ha ha … poor fellow will have a heart attack.” He giggled again.
I wanted to stop him but couldn’t. It seemed to me that he was smiling after a long long time.
“Hi!! I am Rishab” we shook hands.
“How are you now? How is your family?” I asked reluctantly
“We are ok… trying to come out of my mother’s loss”
I shouldn’t have asked him this as his smile vanished.
“How was your interaction with ‘God’?” I asked.

“He tried to console me a lot. Said that there are a lot of things that might seem very awful at one point of time but they have a particular meaning and significance in life and we have to go through those emotions for our own betterment. He tried to make me understand that my mother is now relieved of all the sufferings that she had to go through. Actually she was suffering from cancer…. leukemia.” He spoke painfully.

I could understand his agony.
I cursed myself for cribbing about petty problems in life.
“And today I am missing her a lot. You know, it’s her birthday today.” He tried very hard not to let that tear roll down his cheek.
“My little sis is not keeping well, she is not eating properly. My dad seldom comes out of his room”.

I was feeling so small in front of him. My problems were like one zillionth of his.

“How dare you refuse me a drink!” someone growled at the bartender.
“The ordinary piece of shabby bartender, don’t you know who I am?” he fumbled as he was drunk.
This continued for some time. Then some ppl escorted the ‘angry young man’ outside.
“What a jerk!!” exclaimed Rishab
He pointed at the bartender, who was visibly upset “He is earning his bread honestly, facing his life audaciously and doing his job religiously. I think he should deserve as much respect as we do” he told me.
I second him “And how can anyone be ordinary, when almost everybody is fighting an extraordinary battle”.

Our chatting continued for a while. It was late in night, we decided to leave.

“Do you want a ride back home” I asked.
“No I have my own set of wheels” he said thanking me.
“It was a pleasure meeting you Dhruv”.
“Trust me, the pleasure was all mine. Take care man” He left.
After taking a few steps, he turned around and approached me.

“Listen, I am not a philosopher. And I am not Shah Rukh of ‘Kal Ho Na Ho’ either, who will tell you how to live your life. But I want to tell you this.”
“You can’t drive your car with your brakes on. Can you?” he asked.
“You engine will only wear out.”
“Same ways you can’t progress in life with so many negativities in mind. Set yourself free. You will be happy.” He said and left. This time he didn’t come back.

I looked at him until he disappeared.
I looked up the sky; counted my blessings and thanked god.
“Enough of being a sick prisoner. I refuse to be captive. I won’t die before I die.” I pledged and came back home.

Few weeks went by; Shweta still gives me that here-is-the-weirdo look whenever she sees me. Atleast she sees me now.

I bumped into Tarun in the elevator.
“What’s up Tarun … why are you looking so worked up?”
“Nothing man!! Everything is just messed up” he cried.
“No, nothing is. Nothing is messed up. You are making things messy. Things are not that complex ….………………………………………………………….”
Yes, it’s not easy playing god.